This is my life story written October 20th 2021 as remembered and felt then and now.

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This is my life story written October 20th 2021
as remembered and felt then and now.

My Memories other than a few glimpses here and there start when my family moved to Ohio; I remember my Dad setting up mobile trailers on our property, I remember my home there after, but there are a lot of blanks. I was at the time 5-6 I am guessing…
I remember life being good at our home on Conquer Hill as a young child, I mostly was left to play on my own or with my sister who was 2 years older.

Things didn’t start to feel difficult for me until I was 7-8 when my Dad decided to go on a mission trip to the Sierra mountains of Mexico; I felt at home/settled at Conquer Hill, it was hard leaving my Earth Mother that had comforted my soul, my sanctuary!
To go live in a big blue converted school bus/camper driving to a foreign country? It made me feel uneasy… I remember the grown ups around trying to get me to focus on the adventure of it, and it was a great adventure!
But I never lost that ache, I have it still now… my soul wants to go home to Conquer Hill where I can hug the trees that I hugged as a child and be embraced by the same earth that comforted me when I always felt so alone, discarded and in the way.

“Go away” “Stop bugging me” “I’m not feeling well/I have a head ache ask your sister” “Stop being a brat” “Shame on you” “I’m telling Dad” “Go outside and play” “You are GRIEVING my heart”
are some of the phrases I heard often…
Mom was always bedridden from miscarriages, headaches and depression, Dad was usually working out of town, long hours or both…
This left me feeling unwanted, a bother and alone.

My Earth Mother on the other hand and the animals on our farm were ever present to embrace me and show me unconditional love and affection! My Earth Mother, and my fellow creatures were my home and escape from the pain, trauma and misunderstandings of my family life.

“I’m telling Dad” Were the words that invoked dread in our home, not just for me…
My Dad had a large temper and he had the gas-lighting skills to make you feel like a pile of wet shit on the floor! And still does to this day. So the main objective for me was to find a way to avoid conflict at all cost, and determine when being myself, standing up for myself or being creative was worth getting the wrath of Dad over; This also taught me the skills of manipulation which is basically a right of passage in my family, we all used it regularly! And all still do, although I am very aware of this in myself and keep a vigilant eye on this, what I consider mostly toxic trait!
Always be looking for someone else to fuck up so you can get that motherfucking spotlight off of you; You can use it right away… or you can collect all the shit you can so you have a stock of immunity from being told on and facing dads wrath… this was a manditory survival skill in my family.

“You are GRIEVING my heart”
My Dad wasn’t around much that I remember, he was usually working out of town or state to support our family but I adored him when he was home;    

I was “Daddy’s girl” I wanted nothing but to make him proud and make him happy, I wanted to feel LOVED I now know.. and he was the best option available, everyone else wanted me to go away but if I could be helpful to my Dad I would receive praise and feel loved.
My Dad can make you feel very loved but it is definitely conditional!
Otherwise you feel his wrath or his grief; these are his tools, If you don’t get his wrath you are going to get his “You’re grieving my heart” speech accompanied by a grimace and hand to the heart and if that don’t sway you then comes the wrath..

“I’m not feeling well/I have a head ache ask your sister” Were the words I heard multiple times daily from my Mom who sadly put herself through miscarriage after miscarriage, longing for another child as the childhoods of her other 4 children passed by in her absence of bed rest and depression.
I remember when it first hit me as a child that my Mom relentlessly wanted another child yet she never had the time or affection for me…

I wasn’t enough? I wasn’t a boy? What was it? I wondered as a 7 year old child, that made me not enough? To go through so much agony to have another child there must be something lacking in me…
I even told her I would be her baby once, trying to heal her pain and free her from continuing to suffer.      

My oldest sister took care of us all, she did all the cooking, cleaning and Momming in our home, I am forever grateful for her!
Although I am saddened thinking of what a burden and huge responsibility it was for her as a young teen caring for an entire family and doing it so gracefully.
How heavy and helpless I imagine that must have felt. I am so sorry.

My Oldest Brother usually kept to himself at Conquer hill, going hunting/fishing, doing farm chores etc. my memories of him were as hero worship, He was always doing something fascinating to my child eyes, Wood-burning, soldering, working on cars, catching raccoon’s and opossums, milking cows etc.. most of the time he would end up telling me to go away or hitting me.

“I’m telling Dad” My sister who is 2 years older than me was my best friend and enemy, we were basically stuck with each other being close in age… she was always be running me down mentally and physically hurting me, but it was better than being alone so we always made up, but I never forgot how she treated me and I began to know what to expect of her and how to defend myself, which was where that manipulation I learned came in handy! “If you bruise my arm again I’m telling about what you did this time or that”… the physical violence never stopped though even into adulthood she would hurt me if I made her mad or teased her about something.

After coming home from our mission trip I was in survival mode, My home was gone, sold to support the mission trip… so we had to move out not long after returning if my memory serves me.
My heart only longed to be home where I felt safe and the earth was familiar as my soul, I felt as though I was being torn away from my Earth Mother, it was the first time I experienced literally feeling heart broken.
We lived on our converted bus and in the homes of other church members, this time of my life 8-12 Is where my memories have no structure.. I remember the families we stayed with, I remember the houses, but I don’t well remember what was going on or the timeline of who’s house when.

I do remember one of the first places we stayed after returning from the mission trip though, I was 8 years old and I remember my parents being absent often, going I’m not sure where.. I only remember feeling sad when they would drive off and feeling like an unwanted bother either way.

One day that I only remember bits of, I went downstairs to my brothers room in the basement because I was alone and no one else wanted me around, I can feel the loneliness and sadness of feeling unwanted, I see my little bare feet on the backless stairs in the darkness, carefully making my way down the stairs holding the rail so I don’t fall as backless stairs made me feel uneasy…

I make it to the bottom of the stairs and his room is to the left, my brother would make me feel better he ALWAYS made me smile no matter how bad I felt!
there was a mattress or 2 on the floor and it seems like there were counters around the walls like it was a basement work shop used as a guest room…

If I remember right he was working on his remote control planes when I came in, or they were around in parts anyhow..
This is where my memory skips to my brother vigorously tickling me on the mattress, and I am laughing, nothing is wrong until he lifts my dress pulls my panties down and puts his mouth on me;
I am fighting him to stop the tickling and suddenly he stops, and angrily yells for me to GET OUT…   

I don’t remember if he picked me up or I got up myself as I made my way to the door I noticed his stance, chest puffed up with his one arm out stretched angrily pointing me out of the room,
as I was passing through I looked up noticing his red face and angry eyes
I felt bad wondering what I had done wrong? Wasn’t he just being nice, making me laugh a minute ago? What could I possibly have done to make him so angry at me!?

I went to look down but the bulge in his tan pants caught my eye.  

What was THAT!? That wasn’t there before.

He grabbed my arm hard and he must have noticed the shock because his tone went a little softer and I was told not to tell anyone about what happened, the conversation is fuzzy but the gist was DON’T TELL ANYONE.

Remember that MANIPULATION I was taught??
I used it, I could see he was uneasy and didn’t want anyone to know… this took all focus off of whatever the hell that was that I had just gone through, and all I could think was AHA! now I can get him to spend time with me more, now I wont be so lonely!
So a card game of UNO bought my silence.
After that I was convinced that there was no use to tell anyone because what was I going to tell them, he tickled me? I didn’t know why I wasn’t suppose to tell, I was 8 and he was 18 he knew I didn’t understand.  

So I got one game of UNO, then it was right back to feeling like the unwanted bother.
I don’t remember to much in the months following… a blur of loneliness, church and feeling unwanted.

My memories come back around 11-12
we were renting or living at conquer hill again as a favor from my dads friend who had bought it but we couldn’t stay for some reason…
The last raw memory I have there is the moment my awakening began!
The church my parents raised us in was having a tent meeting revival and I had “Gotten Saved” (Fooey) in this little camper, basically listening to my dad and his friend debate on if I had sinned enough to experience real salvation!?
They finally decided they would let me give it a shot woohoo; I’m saved!!!
So I Pray, and I wear my head covering, and I read and memorize verses daily on my own, I try my best to be respectful and honor my parents, all the good stuff for a week or two…
I must have really fucked up because I find my ass being faced with the belt and I’m looking up into large angry eyes and pleading, promising to do better!
“I DON’T THINK YOU EVEN REALLY GOT SAVED”
My breath left my body. I was frozen in shock, and disbelief.
I don’t even remember the pain of the belt after, those words cut deeper than any physical pain.
Again the questions racing in my mind- “Didn’t I get saved?” “Am I saved?” “Were all my efforts not enough?” I think I processed that for the remainder of the day…

It was that night, after sobbing my heart out that I reached the peak in my awakening and I said
“FUCK. THIS. NO MORE!” I could see the light shining on all the ugliness of this religion/church and my parents, It lit a fire in me to NEVER go there again, I would be “Godless” I would embrace the flames of hell with open arms before I would ever follow a religion.

So again we move, this time to a property my parents bought; Here I at least had access to nature but my heart still grieved for the loss of my childhood home on Conquer Hill… I always felt safe there. I always could escape to my Earth mother for comfort.
Thankfully we left the Church that was a cult-like Christianity when we moved…
My parents could then blame the church for all of their bad decisions, and go on to church hop and make the same mistakes and many more… usually blamable on the church or lack of.

I learned about sex on my own and from my sisters after moving here but never in full, just tidbits here and there until I pieced it all together which led me to realize what had happened to me as a child, but there was so much shame and embarrassment around talking about sex in our family so I didn’t feel comfortable talking about something so vulnerable with them.

The first person I told about what my brother had done to me was my sister who is 2 years older than me when I was 16-17, and she laughed; making it seem like it was no big deal…
I felt a little betrayed and unheard, I knew it wasn’t right but this reaction had me doubting myself,
was it just harmless fun? Why did it make me feel wrong then when I thought about it?
So I told no one else for a long time.

My teen years were filled with trying to express myself while being gas-lighted and torn down for every aspect of self expression, I was forced to dress, talk, and act according to my parents beliefs when in their presence and I was rarely not in their presence.
I would shoplift jeans and beautiful clothes, alcohol and other things I wasn’t permitted to have and I would run into the arms of my Earth Mother every chance I got when I wasn’t locking myself in my room to drink and listen to the radio through my headphones..

After all my siblings had left home I was by myself as much as I could be unless I was taking care of my little brother, my vow to him was to never let him feel the way I felt as a child so I tried to make sure he never felt lonely or unwanted.

I was lonely most of my teen years, only allowed goody goody christian/church friends which required me to be fake because I couldn’t stand Christianity, and I didn’t give 2 fucks if they just got saved;
I was on my highway to HELL and I had began to embrace it.
My parents could force/ gaslight me into to go to church, dressing and acting christian like around others but they couldn’t touch my inner world where the Witch in me was awakening and I was beginning to understand my own power in the world.

My Earth Mother was my one ever-present real source of true unconditional love embracing me and whispering to me, of magic; Magic was portrayed as evil witchcraft by my parents, but I knew better!
I trusted my Earth Mother and my intuition that was more present with every small step away from my parents control…
I learned not to divulge anything personal to them because it was always met with negativity.

I finally was allowed by my parents to dated a guy my sister 2yrs older than me had set me up with when I was 17…
My parents went on the first date with us and waited in the mall while me and my date watched a movie, my mom walked into the theater and interrupted my first kiss then proceeded to watch the rest of the movie with me and my date, MORTIFYING.
This dude ended up taking my virginity the first chance he got then left me right after, which devastated me and I ended up deeply hurt and depressed because there was no support for me within my family. 
He had been trying to get his old girlfriend back the entire time as well.. and my sister knew, thanks for that set up sis!

Eventually my anger and depression took over, it couldn’t be ignored, I did what I wanted and I figured out eventually that there was nothing my parents could do to stop me…. nothing they could ever do would hurt me more than I was already hurting, by being forced to live non-authentically.

They told me depression wasn’t real and laughed and shamed me when I told them I wished I could take my own life so I wouldn’t have to live in the pain I was in, “you are just seeking attention” “You just needed to get over myself” “Maybe we need to send you to a christian youth home”
There was rarely a day I didn’t feel alone, depressed and absolutely unheard.

There were computers in the home after leaving the cult church when I was 11-12..
When I was 17/18 Facebook was brand new and I started to make friends online, one of which is still my best friend to this day, I love and cherish this man and our friendship dearly!!!
He always was and is to this day there to listen, encourage me, make me smile, feel beautiful and cared for. No words can describe how valuable this friendship has been to my life!

I now had access to people who wanted to talk to me and experience who I really was, not who I had been made to show up as my entire life!!!
I made many internet acquaintances and luckily didn’t get manipulated or taken advantage of in any major way!
I even started talking to my amazing husband Dannie on Facebook; my sister was dating his cousin and we met when he was visiting them but weren’t really interested in each other at that time.
I recognized him on Facebook later on and started messaging him, which turned into long phone calls.
Finally a man with values who actually wants to talk to me and talks about life, morals and values with me! I was overjoyed to feel loved and desired at last.

When he next visited Ohio I had been 18 for 1 month and I was testing my new freedom!
Me and Dannie Started dating May 29th 2009 I believe it was, June 7th He asked me to be his girlfriend and June 11th took me home to Missouri with him!
My parents surprisingly to me didn’t have anything much to say about my leaving, maybe they were relieved I would no longer be with them, I definitely was!
I just remember feeling free and vulnerable, free from my parents control and vulnerable because I had never learned how to survive in the world on my own.
I was only told the scary stories, staying home was scarier to me… I would find my way.
I had found love and I was ready to write my own story.

We rented with the Gingrich brothers, other ex-Amish young men; there was a mattress in the living room for us and they had the rooms in the house, so we didn’t have privacy for a long time..
We made the best of it as long as we could before moving down the road to our first 1 bdrm apartment where we got engaged and started our family; We decided a 1 bdrm apartment would be too small so we then moved from the wee city of Pattonsburg Missouri to St. Joseph where we got married and had our first child our beautiful daughter Brooklyn.

Dannie was working a lot to support our family and I began to feel the loneliness of being a new stay at home Mom with no friends and no family nearby…
Before Brooklyn had turned 1 we were moving back to Ohio, so that our daughter would grow up amongst family.
Distance and time had grown over my families wounds of the past… “Forgive and forget” was strongly encouraged “Lets leave the past in the past” and “Family is Family”
So we moved into my parents guest house and lived there for a year before moving to New Philadelphia Ohio, we had another baby on the way so we needed space and space of our own!!

New Philadelphia brought new happiness, and new challenges; Dannie was working long hours for Oil&Gas which left me feeling alone a lot, so I would visit family as much as possible and when I couldn’t visit family I would submerge myself into ALL the arts and crafts I could find to do with my little ones and DRINK.
I started drinking heavily after Xavier self-weaned from breast feeding at almost a year old, I couldn’t understand life at this time.. I had everything I ever thought I wanted- A loving and Patient Husband, a beautiful bright Daughter and Son, why was I so depressed?

I focused mostly on my loneliness and lack of intimacy and connection, that alone fueled my drinking… (Now I see that I had unsolved traumas, complex trauma.)
What fueled my living was my babies, but some days I still longed for escape from life and this terrified me, so I started going to a counselor where I found support and acceptance, someone to hold space for me without judgment and it helped a lot!
But I was still drinking and hungover more than I wished to be… I had learned from my counselor that my drinking was “self medicating” I used this as an excuse to continue drinking and continued to do so until this year 2021.

Finally after renting our home in New Philadelphia for 5 years we decided to take the opportunity to buy a home of our very own in Semmes Alabama, right next door to my oldest brothers place.
“Family is Family” ‘Forgive and Forget” n all… And something my brother told me one of the few times I reached out to him when my trauma would surface  “Some memories aren’t worth keeping”
so I tried not to keep the memories, and I focused on all of the unconditional love I had to share with my nephews who hadn’t had a mother in their lives to give them this love.
I don’t recall all of the details but we ended up planning for me to pack as much as possible, move down to stay with my brother and my nephews and get the sale arranged with the woman selling the property, this was supposed to be 1 month or so most, it ended up being 4!

My brothers home is small and disorderly to put it kindly and has roach infestation; I cleaned his home and fought the infestation almost to extinction in the time I lived there, while caring for his children and my own.
There are many challenges to shared living, especially in small quarters, with family; It went extremely well despite all of the challenges and it wasn’t until the very end that I had begun to lose faith in the choices that had led us here..
We were gas-lighted the entire time, reminded of our place when we were uncomfortable and mistreated mentally and physically.
We were bullied because we were “in there space” but we had no where to go.
I wanted to show my brothers boys unconditional love, and I did that but at times I question the cost.
My children and I were mentally and physically abused by my nephews and my brother;
They are happiest right at the moment they see your heart drop from the hurtful words they use to try and cut you down with.
My children heard “You were an accident, your dads condom broke” then laughter in their faces, and many more cruel words under the pretenses of “joking” from their cousins.
When I would bring this up to my brother he would gleam with pride, chuckle saying how my children were weak because they couldn’t take a “joke”, they constantly told my children and I we were too weak and sensitive.

I always reminded my children right away that these were lies and I would build them up and show them that they were actually the strong ones because they don’t feel the need to cut people down, but mean words have a way of sticking and I worry about my son because those hurtful words still seem to have a grip at times.

We moved into our new home November 21st 2018 and the first rule I made for our home was that everyone is welcome as long as they are KIND and THOUGHTFUL to others and respectful.
Sadly I began to see less and less of my nephews, now I only see or hear from them if they need something. I hope they find love, peace and true happiness in their lives, I will always love them dearly.
Dannie moved our things from Ohio and we got settled in, then he returned to working out of state; Again the loneliness, the emergence of self into art and motherhood, and ever present thirst for alcohol to numb my pain and fuel my creativity and will to live.

Our marriage began to suffer from the distance, but the distance also had given us much needed growth and independence; One constant in our relationship is that we always work through whatever obstacles we face, this time it seemed bleak with no good compromises..
It forced us to look at the essence of what was holding us together, it was raw, there was a heavy co-dependence on each-other, there was the beautiful family and new home we had both sacrificed much to manifest into our lives, then there was our love for each other conditional and unconditional; That love is the reason we persevere, our fuel to keep our relationship on a path of healing and growth.
I am honored to have a partner who is patient, committed and almost as stubborn as I, who chooses to heal and grow with me through this life time after time.

Eventually we began distancing ourselves from my brother and his boys; Our life styles, morals and values were drastically different and conversations with gas-lighting manipulative narcissists just aren’t enjoyable even for codependent, people pleasing pushovers like us!
I got tired of being laughed at, having my sentences corrected, statements turned around on me
and tired of making meaningless conversation, so I tried to avoid them all.
My parents visited us this year (2021) staying from February to May and we had many wonderful times, but before they would leave the seams of secrets held for years would begin to unravel;

It began by finally finding the courage to ask my mother outright if she knew what my brother had done to me as a child, her answer shocked me and left me feeling hot, angry and heart broken at the same time “Well! You weren’t the only one!”  she said in the context that suggested ‘They haven’t brought it up, why are you?’
I asked “Is that supposed to make me feel better!? that I wasn’t the only one!? That makes it so much worse!!!” the conversation was over soon after, I felt I now knew where my mother stood on this and there was nothing else to be said.
I still do not understand entirely, but I am able to forgive my mother for her mistakes that led to my trauma, with the understanding that her unhealed traumas are a large cause of mine.

After a month of struggling with the revisiting of my trauma, nightmares and searching for answers, healing and relief from my heart ache I decided to go to my dad, believing surely he wouldn’t condone something so terrible!
He said he was sorry that had happened to me which gave me some hope of support from at least one parent; He said had he known he could have done something.
I had no idea that my mom had never told him this, he proceed to say…

“You cant let that ruin your life and your children’s life”

which caused me to wonder how trying to get support and compassion from my parents was going to ruin my children and I’s life…
he also said

“Don’t make everyone you love suffer over something that we cant do anything about”

I began to notice the gas-lighting so I confronted it, not a good idea I now realize… because this made him angry:

“Your Brother was dead wrong… but I cant spank him anymore, I think he has gone through enough suffering”

“I feel sorry for Dannie and your children because you are taking them down in your train wreck”

“When you come to the end of yourself and need help I’ll be there to help you…. I just hope you still have a family in that day”

”God blessed you with so much and you spit in his face”

This is when I realized that I no longer wanted my parents in my life, I would not have any other person who would treat me this way in my life; I deserve love, kindness and respect from the people in my life as do my children!
I will not set a bad example for my children by allowing this kind of disrespect, I will not accept mental or physical abuse from anyone in my life or my family’s life regardless of relation!
I forgive my Dad as I forgive my Mom and Bother, I pray they heal and grow from their traumas that led to mine.

I am still healing and growing through my trauma as well.
September 18th 2021 I participated in Jamie Skagens Fear to Fuck it 5 day Intensive, It required me to lean into my vulnerabilities and hurt 100%

I was given homework that helped me process my trauma, by finding my voice and showing up
un-apologetically AUTHENTIC!
Doing these things led me to owning and following my purpose!
I will not stop healing and growing until I have transformed all of my trauma into medicine for others!

I wish you strength, love, peace and joy on your healing and growth journeys!